I went out with a girl with bad intention. To clarify, it was I who had the bad intention, and it was not that kind of bad intention.
I knew from the moment I met Ginger on a blind date that I did not want to get serious. I soon knew that she did. And, I acted as if I did because all my friends had girlfriends and I didn’t. I was lonely and afraid. And Ginger was nice, and fun.
Every word out of my mouth was a lie. Everything I said and did led her on. I met her parents and sister. I went out with her and acted like I was having a good time. I listened to all the personal things she told me about herself, and shared some about me. When she got affectionate, I acted like I enjoyed it and was reciprocating. Even if I really was having fun, it was dishonest. I cared about Ginger as a person. She was sincere and had a deep heart. I did not like what I was doing to her, but I did it anyway. When I finally ended it with Ginger, I broke her heart.
Buddha talks about telling the truth in describing his eightfold path. Right speech, he says, is not lying. “For the person who transgresses in one thing, I tell you, there is no evil deed that is not to be done. Which one thing? This: telling a deliberate lie.”
I was not strong or authentic enough at the time to be honest with Ginger. I could not be with her without acting one way and feeling another. This is called being duplicitous, disingenuous. The consequence of my lying was heartache. Ginger suffered at the time. I have carried my pain for years. It doesn’t come up often, but it is a part of my heart. It is called regret.
I try to be honest with my feelings. I try to not trick or manipulate another person by saying what I do not feel, or feeling what I do not say. I try to practice right speech, speech that is “spoken at the right time, spoken in truth, spoken affectionately, spoken beneficially, and spoken with a mind of good-will.”
I do my best, with awareness and love. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life as I did in the early part of it, leaving heartache and suffering in my wake.