Buddhism, Eastern Philosophy, New Age & Spirituality, Philosophy, Religion and Spirituality, Religious Philosophy, Zen, Zen Philosophy, Zen Spirituality

What Are You Saying?

I went out with a girl with bad intention.  To clarify, it was I who had the bad intention, and it was not that kind of bad intention.

I knew from the moment I met Ginger on a blind date that I did not want to get serious.  I soon knew that she did.  And, I acted as if I did because all my friends had girlfriends and I didn’t.  I was lonely and afraid.  And Ginger was nice, and fun.

Every word out of my mouth was a lie.  Everything I said and did led her on. I met her parents and sister.  I went out with her and acted like I was having a good time.  I listened to all the personal things she told me about herself, and shared some about me.  When she got affectionate, I acted like I enjoyed it and was reciprocating.  Even if I really was having fun, it was dishonest.  I cared about Ginger as a person.  She was sincere and had a deep heart.  I did not like what I was doing to her, but I did it anyway.  When I finally ended it with Ginger, I broke her heart.

Buddha talks about telling the truth in describing his eightfold path.  Right speech, he says, is not lying.  “For the person who transgresses in one thing, I tell you, there is no evil deed that is not to be done. Which one thing?  This: telling a deliberate lie.”

I was not strong or authentic enough at the time to be honest with Ginger.  I could not be with her without acting one way and feeling another.  This is called being duplicitous, disingenuous.  The consequence of my lying was heartache.  Ginger suffered at the time.  I have carried my pain for years.  It doesn’t come up often, but it is a part of my heart.  It is called regret.

I try to be honest with my feelings.  I try to not trick or manipulate another person by saying what I do not feel, or feeling what I do not say.  I try to practice right speech, speech that is “spoken at the right time, spoken in truth, spoken affectionately, spoken beneficially, and spoken with a mind of good-will.”

I do my best, with awareness and love.  I don’t want to go through the rest of my life as I did in the early part of it, leaving heartache and suffering in my wake.

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